Defeated

I am just having one of those weeks I guess. I am feeling so defeated with everything (or that is how it feels). The weight gain is REALLY getting to me. I gained another 4 pounds with this last round of fertility. It really feels as though I will never have control of my body or weight again. This is very depressing to me. It seems as though lately I just do not even care (well, I do, but I act like it doesn't). I have the mentality that it doesn't matter what I do I am going to gain anyways; so sure go ahead and eat the ice cream! you have no control. I know this may all seem crazy, but it really scares me. I cannot believe how big I am. I think it may be worse because I was always so skinny. I can work out and watch what I eat and NOTHING! I have never lost weight in 5 years, well I will lose 2 or 3, then gain 6 back with a round of fertility. Ahhhh....
Then I was reading about PCOS, probably a bad idea, and it was not very hopefully about someone with PCOS losing weight. Losing weight is hard, but a person with PCOS is 5x harder. They also went on to say that a lot of doctors do not truly understand PCOS and the issue with the weight gain/loss. I feel that too! I guess I could change doctors, again! but for my last two physicals the doctor has discussed my weight and given me a goal of 10 pounds to lose, then I come back 10 pounds heavier! That is my average, 10 pounds a year. Then to top it all off we have been unsuccessful with our attempts at becoming pregnant. I feel as though I have become fat and unattractive. That is an everyday reminder in my mirror that I am still not a mother. Casey has his SPA next week; from their we will have a consult to discuss our options. Please pray for me to have an open mind and better attitude. It is really pulling me down. It has been 5 years now; April 23rd, 2005 I went off birth control. I never dreamed the roller coaster we would have been on since then.

Decisions

Well, we experienced our 3rd failed attempt at an IUI. I always try to stay positive and think every month that I truly am pregnant. This last time we both REALLY thought it was going to happen. So many things just made it seem like the month! I had the best follicles and numbers that I have ever had, Casey had the best count and mobility number that he had ever had, we would have been due December 24th (which I have always said I am NEVER having a baby around Christmas; mine is 10 days after and I hate it; but right now I do not care if I am in labor Christmas day! bring it on, thirds times a charm, etc...just lots of little things happened and it felt like everything was aligning correctly.

This is all so crazy and something you feel like you are experiencing all by yourself. We do not personally know anyone going through it. I am not sure if it would help if we did though?

Decisions: Adoption, IVF, take a break, Ahhhh....what to do, what to do??

I am not sure why, but adoption is just something I really cannot see myself doing right now. My mind may change. Right now I just think of keep trying treatments or just give up? Not sure how to just give up? Financially I am SO ready to give up. All I can think about is the money, which is extremely stressful. It is crazy to think that we could pay $12,000 and still not become pregnant and have to pay on a loan for a year knowing you still do not have a baby. They want to do a SPA (Semen Penetration Analysis) on Casey to see if his guys know how to penetrate an egg. That sounds so crazy to me! Yes, it makes sense, but still crazy! If that is the case then IVF is our only way of becoming pregnant. The average % rate of becoming pregnant through IVF is 42%, which does not seem high enough with everything you have to go through...financially, emotionally, physically, etc...It is so draining. So many decisions to be made.

Been a while...

Well, I guess there has not been much to write about. We did have another failed attempt at IUI, that makes two for us. We have been given more paper work and issues/options to discuss. There are SO many things. If we are not successful with IUI's our only option is IVF. Which is so expensive, about $9,000-$10,000, but the other options are test leading up to the IVF. Like the other day they asked me if Casey had an SPA. I said no, what is an SPA and how much is it? since insurance does not cover anything. It is a Semen Penetration Analysis ($650).What it is; is a test to see if his sperm know how to penetrate an egg. They try it on hamster eggs! WHat?? I mean that makes sense, but holy moly! This is all so crazy to me. Answer me this...How does anyone get pregnant? It truly is a miracle from God. I hope if you are lucky enough to become parents, you truly realize the miracle that you have been given. The test and things that Casey and I have been through have been crazy. It is REALLY hard to get pregnant. It is total timing. You would never know how difficult it really is; especially seeing these young girls getting pregnant. That is another soap box! :)

We are going to attempt the third time this coming week. We are hoping that the third time is a charm! :) I will keep things posted. This blog is still so new to me, but very therapeutic. Hopefully you will hear from me soon! :)

No luck :(

Well, it was a tough weekend. Our first attempt at an IUI was not successful. I really did not want to tell anyone, but then I knew I could not keep it from some of my closest and best friends. Sometimes I think they know my cycle better than I do! :) They are great! Well anyways, we did have an IUI last month (very interesting I must add) and I started this Friday :( It was a bummer and kind of a long reality for me. It was really weird. I kept thinking what are the chances of the first time it working? but then I also thought how great it would that be! October what a great month and time of the year to have a baby, actually ANY TIME and ANY MONTH will be a great time and month to have a baby. We will say our prayers and hope for the best this month. Wish us luck!

Saying some prayers and crossing our fingers

Well yesterday we did it! Well, not actually...hahahaha, but we did go to the fertility clinic and I had an IUI, Intrauterine insemination. Everything went well so now we have to wait two weeks and see if it took! I have to say this whole experience has been crazy. As I was laying on the table at the doctors office, Casey asked me "was it as good for you as it was for me?" We have to keep humor in all of this. It has been an emotional past week though. My good friend Julie had her twins last Friday (1/22). I was there with her for it all, so amazing! I was exhausted after three days at the hospital. Everyone is great and healthy, God bless. I had a doctors appointment scheduled for Thursday (1/28), which was day 12 for me. I woke up on Wednesday with a positive surge and egg in my ovulation kit. I was freaking out and so upset. I thought we had missed our chances of doing the IUI again. I called the doctor, but left a message. I went straight to the doctors office hoping they could squeeze me in. As soon as I pulled into the parking garage they called me and told me to come on in. Then I received a text from a good friend saying she was pregnant, what timing!! Congrats for them.

Anyways, I was able to do the ultrasound and everything looked great and my count was high. They gave me my FSH (I think that is what it was called) shot in the stomach and said come back tomorrow for implantation!! SO that is what we did. All looked well they said- so all we do know is wait. I really hope my next blog can be exciting news!!

Why do I do this to myself...

I guess it is because I never want to give up hope. Every month I think I am pregnant. I want to get pregnant like the rest of the world, which it seems like it is EVERYWHERE around me. So last time I went to the doctor I was a little frustrated b/c I did not get the news that I wanted and found out that I had already ovulated. So last week when I started not feeling well, was VERY tired this week (in bed by like 8pm at the latest), had some acid reflux I started getting excited. WHY?? that is what I ask myself. I seriously become hyper pregnant every month. Today is Day 31 and I have never gone past 31. I have not felt like I was going to start all day. So I went to the drug store and got a pregnancy test. I was taking it in the morning! Then I was not home for 15 mins before I started feeling like I was about to start. I go to the bathroom...BAM! Seriously? I HATE THIS!! I truly do. I am fine, I am going to be fine I tell myself. I try not to get upset. I tell myself that I knew it was not going to happen, don't get upset. Yes, I have to tell myself this-you truly have no idea how this feels. I would never wish this upon anyone. So I get on the computer and check facebook...bad idea. I was looking and you know how it changes your friends on the side? well I see an ultrasound picture with a Santa Hat as a profile picture, click, yep! a guy I went to school with just found out they are expecting. Then this girl that I went to high school with to post...It's a BOY! I had no idea she was pregnant. Ok, I have to get off here because this is all to weird. It really feels all around me now. It just seemed like everywhere I was looking there were people saying they are pregnant or posting pictures of there little cuties. Sorry, to vent...just a rough day. :(

Reality

Oh my goodness....fertility doctors are so freaking expensive. Another two bills that I was not expecting. Apparently something they did with our blood work?? I need to call and see what it was exactly. I do not understand the coding, but I understand $304 and your immediate action would be greatly appreciated! That is a reality all in itself. I need to find a sugar daddy or something. We have not even done anything and already spent close to $1000. It just blows my mind. It truly should not be this way. Not only it is emotional and stressful for anyone having to go through this, now it drains you financially, which stresses me out even more. I need a miracle! Lord please be with me, give me patience and understanding in this difficult journey of my life. Give me a peace that lets me know that everything is going to be ok. Amen!