Defeated

I am just having one of those weeks I guess. I am feeling so defeated with everything (or that is how it feels). The weight gain is REALLY getting to me. I gained another 4 pounds with this last round of fertility. It really feels as though I will never have control of my body or weight again. This is very depressing to me. It seems as though lately I just do not even care (well, I do, but I act like it doesn't). I have the mentality that it doesn't matter what I do I am going to gain anyways; so sure go ahead and eat the ice cream! you have no control. I know this may all seem crazy, but it really scares me. I cannot believe how big I am. I think it may be worse because I was always so skinny. I can work out and watch what I eat and NOTHING! I have never lost weight in 5 years, well I will lose 2 or 3, then gain 6 back with a round of fertility. Ahhhh....
Then I was reading about PCOS, probably a bad idea, and it was not very hopefully about someone with PCOS losing weight. Losing weight is hard, but a person with PCOS is 5x harder. They also went on to say that a lot of doctors do not truly understand PCOS and the issue with the weight gain/loss. I feel that too! I guess I could change doctors, again! but for my last two physicals the doctor has discussed my weight and given me a goal of 10 pounds to lose, then I come back 10 pounds heavier! That is my average, 10 pounds a year. Then to top it all off we have been unsuccessful with our attempts at becoming pregnant. I feel as though I have become fat and unattractive. That is an everyday reminder in my mirror that I am still not a mother. Casey has his SPA next week; from their we will have a consult to discuss our options. Please pray for me to have an open mind and better attitude. It is really pulling me down. It has been 5 years now; April 23rd, 2005 I went off birth control. I never dreamed the roller coaster we would have been on since then.